Youth are buzzing with the newness of the school year. They carry a certain energy. A bit of optimism that this year will be good, maybe a little different than the last.

When I think of the difference many would like to see, it involves kids being nicer to one another. Giving one another the respect as a human being to just be kind.

I know this is difficult for many kids, especially those trying to find their place. The freshmen, the seventh graders, and anyone new to a school. Sometimes putting someone down in front of the right group of kids could get you in. Get you a little status. And get those kids potentially off your back.

The targets of this behavior tend to minimize. “Its okay. Not a big deal,” they tell other people. But it is apparent how those digs really effect youth. It can slowly chip away at their self-esteem to the point where your kid is doing extra work during break time so they can avoid people in the hall versus enjoying a little work-free social time.

As a parent, it is important to be aware of what school is like for your child. I know many times they might not tell you. Despite this looming fact, you should still ask. Still show you care and you are interested. It might be the day your child really needs to talk. For some kids, it can be difficult to start the conversation. In fact, it can come out twisted. They act angry, irritable, and are out of sorts.

Has someone ever asked you a question and your upper lip tightened and out streamed a few warm tears? You weren’t planning on crying and letting it out but there it was. All someone needed to do was ask. Imagine if that person loved you unconditionally and could give you the support you needed. You are that person for your child.

So how do you ask and get a little sustenance? It is an art and open ended questions are the way to go. Anything with a yes/no answer is sure to make your conversation last seconds. Instead of, “Did you do anything at school today?” You could try, “What was the best part of your day? What was the worst? What did you do at lunch? Who was there?…..” The questions are endless. If you aren’t used to doing this already, it may seem a little daunting. Try anyway.

Truth be told, your kid may not want to talk. But what if they do? What if they are really needing you? Wouldn’t you want to be there?

AFFIRMATION

I open the door to healthy communication by giving myself the opportunity to listen and my child the opportunity to talk.

More and more, teens are developing anxiety and depression around technology and social media sites.  They are afraid to disconnect.  “What if someone posts something bad about me?”

In an age where teens are trying to identify who they are and are trying on different roles, teens are able to create an image for themselves online they feel they need to uphold.  If they don’t continue to post pictures of themselves partying, then who will others think they are?

Kids are presenting with worry when someone doesn’t get back to them with a text right away.  “Are they mad at me?  Did I say something wrong?”  Teens reread what they wrote over and over and then go over it with another friend.  It can become tortuous.

Technology can dictate their moods.  If they get positive feedback from their peers, it is a good day.  If someone posts something remotely negative, it can ruin it.  It then impacts the relationships around them.  Fights with siblings and parents ensue.

The article featured  in July 16, 2012 edition of Newsweek titled “iCrazy: Panic. Depression. Psychosis. How Connection Addiction is Rewiring Our Brains” discussed just how bad things are getting for many in the digital age including an increase in people suffering from anxiety, depression, psychotic episodes, PTSD, and ADHD.   It also noted how even minimal time online is impacting how our brain works.

Victoria L. Dunckley, M.D. addresses further signs and symptoms in her article Electronic Screen Syndrome: An Unrecognized Disorder?  Electronic Screen Syndrome and the rise of mental disorders in children.  She looks at how stress from “screen time” impacts our nervous system which then leads to an inability to regulate and tolerate stress and then manifests in a variety of symptoms, including irritability, poor grades, and insomnia to name a few.

If you have a teen consumed by media, it may be time to consider how to intervene.  With teens, providing them information about how media is affecting their brain and mood could be an avenue when it seems impossible to pry that screen from their fingertips.  Leave an article on the kitchen table.  Listen to a podcast on your way to the store.  Set limits around when media is not to be used, like at mealtimes or when having company.

I know it is tough to figure out what to do with teens.  Just remember, setting an example and giving them the power to make their own choices, whether we agree or disagree is all part of developing.  We can guide them through with information and setting healthy limits.More and more, I see teens coming to my office with anxiety and depression around technology and social media sites.  They are afraid to disconnect.  “What if someone posts something bad about me?”

It is the halfway point between summer and when school begins, and I know many parents are eager for August to arrive.  What I have noticed is many children and teens are not ready to return.  It’s not for the reasons one might expect, like sleeping in, later curfew, or less responsibilities.

Anxiety.  

Many students have worries about school that are beginning to show up now.  Homework, pressure, college, GPA, workload, and schedule are among some of the concerns.  But for many children, it goes beyond the logistics.

Social anxiety among youth is at its highest.  It comes in many forms from being left out to being directly targeted by peers and anything in between.  It is a real life daily struggle for some children, and the worry about it can begin as early as now.

The thought of burying oneself in a book during lunch time or hiding out in the library is a reality for many teens and children.  They think they are the only one who is feeling this ostracization but I can assure you, they are not.

Middle school and high school can be lonely places for those not enmeshed in a clique.  Even for those with a group, it can feel just as lonely going along with the crowd when who they really are is unable to show.

It is important for kids to have a safe place to talk about their experiences and really be heard and honored for what they would like to happen.  A teen’s parent going to talk with the principal may not be the approach their child would want.  Maybe they simply want their parent to listen.  Talk with your child about what they are needing.

Sometimes kids just need time to process their experiences.  As a parent, you can empower them to take the right steps in dealing with the anxiety peer groups or lack thereof can bring.  See if there is anyone on campus who your child feels supported by and encourage them to talk with them.

Obviously if teasing is moving to bullying, it is crucial to talk with your child and the school about what is occurring.  Lastly, encourage your kid to join a social group at school and if the school is not providing one, encourage them to get one.  Another place to locate social groups for kids in the community is at Psychology Today.  There are also other social groups to consider, including art, chess, spanish, and yoga classes to name a few.

AFFIRMATION
I can help my child each day by simply listening.

You and your kid just had an amazing afternoon together. First a picnic lunch then a day at the pool. You laughed and smiled. No whining. No complaining.  Good old fashioned fun.

As you return home, reflecting on all the fun you had and begin putting away your things, it happens. You see your child moving their mouth and staring at you with their hands dangling by their side.

“They can not possibly be saying this,” you think as you gaze at them in a dream like trance.

“I’m bored,” your child states matter of factly.

Seriously? Seriously. The dreaded B-O-R-E-D word. Parents cannot stand it. Children love to use it.

It seems to be the word of this generation.  I hear it used out of context to describe situations that have nothing to do with being bored.  “I stole a phone because I was bored,” a child once said.  I wondered how that even made sense.  Read, play, eat, sleep, that makes sense.

Parents can get triggered so easily by those 5 letters. They have a room full of stuff with nothing to do. Seriously? Seriously.

So what do you do when your little gem says they are bored.  Let me offer you a few ideas:

1.  Give them 3 options to choose from.  Sometimes kids just need help getting started.

2. Give them a challenge.  I have a box of cardboard odds and ends and will challenge kids to design something.  Have them set up an obstacle course and time themselves regarding how fast they can do it in 5 trials.

3. Dance.  If they like to do this, perfect. Or threaten them they will have to dance with you if they don’t find something to do.

4. Take them in their room and show them all the wonderful things they have to enjoy. If they still say they have nothing, begin to pick something up and let them know it will be going to Goodwill since it is something they no longer use. Watch how fast they learn to love some of their own things again.

5. Take time to connect. Bake some cookies, paint, read a story together, look through some baby pictures, take a walk, go on the swings.

6. Ignore. Older kids will often say they are bored to get a rise out of you. It is ok for kids to be bored and figure out what to do. Just keep an eye on them to make sure what they choose is legal!

AFFIRMATION
I remain grounded when triggered by others.

Before crawling in bed to read my daughter a story, I wolfed down a piece of chocolate.  Thinking she wouldn’t notice, I got into the sheets and found my daughter sniffing the air.  “It smells like chocolate,” she announces.  “Hmph,” I replied.  “Let me smell your breath mommy.”  She doesn’t miss a beat.

Children are watching and listening to every move we make.  Even when we think they aren’t noticing, they are.  Parents who tell their kids they have eyes in the back of their head got nothing on all the children who have hearing like an owl, a sense of smell like a bloodhound, and sight like an eagle.

Why do I bring this up?  Because it is important information on how we should conduct ourselves in the presence of children and teens.  We need to be the role models on how to make good decisions, on how to spend our time, and how to value what is really important in this life.

Many parents complain at how much time their children spend on media but fail to look at how much of their own time they are playing Farmville, Angry Birds, or any other social media game.

Show your children what to do when there is no phone, computer, tv, or other technology.  Be the role model.  I know many parents who engage in a healthy lifestyle and feel upset when their teen doesn’t want to go lift weights with them in the garage or go to the coast.  It is discouraging but keep trying and looking for ways to engage them.

I have seen countless children use the hold out method.  They think if they don’t speak and make it sour for everyone, they will get their way.  I encourage parents to combat this with their own holdout method of following through with their plans and keeping their cool.  A child will come around, maybe not the first time, but eventually.  Also, include them in planning what might be fun that doesn’t include technology.

I know this a challenge for many parents, and I count myself among the many.  We are all a work in progress.

Affirmation
I am a work in progress and can help shape healthy habits for my family.

Anxiety is a tricky, tricky feeling.  It can come out of what seems like nowhere.  It can hang for a few moments or an entire day.  It can keep you up at night or wake you out of a dead sleep.

Anxiety can make you feel physical pain.  It can make you feel so sick you cannot go to school or work.  It can prevent people from driving.  It can be at the root of someone’s addiction.

Anxiety can make it difficult to connect with others.  It can eat someone up inside.  It can hold on so tight, you wonder if it will ever let go.

The Anxiety and Depression Institute of America states 1 out of every 8 children suffer from anxiety, and it also affects 40 million adults in the U.S.  They also note it is the most prevalent mental disorder and also the most treatable.

This is good news, if you realize what you got and how to get help.  One of the challenging pieces is just that.

Anxiety can hide within other symptoms and not be as clear cut as one may think.  I have seen children present with what is thought to be ADHD come to find out they are wrestling with anxiety.  With the proper identification and treatment, symptoms can improve.

Children and teens will also often present with physical symptoms.  Headaches, tummy aches, leg pain, or a general sense of not feeling good.  Their complaints are real but the cause of them are different than they may expect.  It is important for your child to get checked out by a doctor if physical complaints are present to rule out any serious medical problems.

So what is the best treatment?  Therapy, nutrition, yoga, herbal supplements, medication, acupuncture, acupressure, homeopathy, meditation and other stress reducing techniques can all be helpful.  You need to find the best combination that works for you or your child.

Please remember healing takes effort and time, but it is possible.  Now that is a relief!

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“Good night Mom!  Good night Dad!”  Off their kind, loving, moody 16 year old daughter heads to bed with her few girlfriends sleeping over for the night.

“I am glad they are being so responsible going to bed early on a Saturday,” Dad says.

“Hmmm, “ says mom suspiciously.  “Eleven O’Clock seems awfully early for a night with the girls.”

One A.M. rolls around and mom sneaks a peak.  Sure enough that kind, loving moody, 16 year old daughter can add sneaky and in trouble to the words to best describe her.

So what do you do?  Do you wait it out?  Do you call everyone you know in town?  Call the police?  There are some tough decisions to be had.

Whatever approach you decide, it is important to be clear on your limits and expectations.  If this is the first time it has occurred, it would also be important to lay down some law.  Letting your child know beforehand what the consequences are and the need to contact other parents may be deterrent to it happening in the first place.

To let your teen get away with this behavior is to set the standard for it to happen again.  A rule that isn’t followed through with isn’t a rule at all.

I would encourage a dialogue with your child around what your expectations are and what they feel the consequences should be for their actions.  If you feel the consequences they name are not enough, then you certainly have the right to put in your two cents.  I have often found kids are harder on themselves than their parents when implementing punishments.

I would also encourage you to follow up with the parents of the other children.  If something were to happen on your watch that has a later outcome, it could be detrimental in a variety of ways.

Being a parent is tough and requires tough love at times.  When it comes to safety, rules and consequences should not be compromised.

I would like to take the guilt and shame mother’s feel by publicly announcing that most mother’s love when their children go to bed….and it’s OK.

I would also like to take the guilt and shame mother’s feel about not wanting to spend 24 hours a day with their kids providing them with fun, educational activities.

It is OK to want to spend some time alone. Just for you. I give you permission.

The time at night gives us the opportunity to recharge in whatever way we feel. No one yelling out “MOM” for the one hundredth time that day. No one asking us for something, from a cup of milk to a ride to a friends to $20. No one trying to get our attention.

Just time for you. Even if you weren’t at your best that day on the mom scale, you earned it. To be on duty all day, everyday is a lot to ask of ourselves. Just do your best to do better tomorrow. The time at night restores the strength in you to fuel up for another day.

So do what feels good. Take a bath, read a book, watch some TV, drink a cup of tea or wine, call a friend, go the gym, go out, put on your jammies, write, paint, play music, go to sleep….you get the picture.

When we care for ourselves we are then able to offer the best of us. Isn’t that what we want to give our children?