#1 Reason Your Daughter Needs A Worry Free Toolkit

Woman with hands in lap in white sweater and dress

Is it because you have a history of anxiety in your family?  Maybe.

It is because your child’s mind runs wild when she lays down to go to sleep, and she cannot seem to shut off her brain?  Maybe.

Is it because your daughter perseverates on details like, “What if I don’t get invited, or I don’t get an A on this project?” and cannot let the thoughts go?  Maybe.

While those are all good reasons you might consider a Worry Free Toolkit Workshop for your daughter from Wise Girls Workshops, that is not the primary reason your daughter needs one.

THE #1 REASON YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS A WORRY FREE TOOLKIT

Everyone deals with worry.

You might be thinking, “What?  That’s it?”

And I am saying, “Yup, that’s it!”

You see worry can become apart of our life for a moment in a time or in a way that lingers—-for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years.

Either way, worry is a normal human emotion.  It shows up for everyone at times.  Who couldn’t benefit from learning tools to recognize the feeling for what it is, developing tools to help care for yourself, and having some time to practice those skills?

What a gift, right?!

There are some other benefits for developing a Worry Free Toolkit:

  • Your daughter will feel more in control of herself when worry takes hold and will know she can care for herself.
  • Through the Wise Girls Workshops experience, kids will see they aren’t alone in terms of worrying and see many of their peers have similar fears.  This fact provides relief!
  • She will stop asking you to reassure her about things over and over and over and over….
  • Your daughter can recognize it in others and provide helpful support.
  • She will learn how feelings constantly change and while worry might feel big in the moment, we never get stuck in one feeling forever.

This Worry Free Toolkit business is good stuff, right?  Developing tools to cope with worry isn’t just for those who have a serious problem with anxiety.  We all need tools.  We all deal with it.  Everyone can benefit.

“Crazy” Teenager

Man with tennis shoes sitting high up looking down on land

“I feel like she’s crazy. I mean, I know she isn’t crazy. But it feels like she is crazy. Is she crazy?”

If you have ever said this in your mind, under your breath, or out loud, you are not alone. You are among the several millions of parents around the world raising this amazing, often misunderstood, and erratic creature…the teenager.

Teens do amazing things each day. From studying 6+hours a day to engaging in after school sports and clubs to volunteering to holding down a job to hanging out with friends, teens do it all. (Holy cow! That is a whole lot of being social in 1 day!)

Your teen may be able to handle a lot on the outside, but it is important to understand there is a whole lot more going on inside. What I am talking about is BRAIN DEVELOPMENT.

Look at the word in all capital letters again. Take it in.

BRAIN DEVELOPMENT.

That’s intense.

So intense those words are, it may look like your child is crazy. Rest assured, this crazy, intense time of life is just that, a crazy and intense time of brain development.

We don’t wake up one day and BAM, our brain is developed. This is a process that can take up until our late 20’s to complete. Different parts of the brain develop before others, so the part of the brain giving perspective, reasoning, and controlling impulses is one of the last to take shape. That’s a big deal because with limited perspective, reasoning, and impulse control, one can look pretty crazy!

Interested in learning about your teenager’s brain development so you can respond with more kindness, compassion, and sensitivity?

Check out:
“Maturation of the Adolescent Brain” by Mariam ArainMaliha HaqueLina JohalPuja MathurWynand NelAfsha RaisRanbir Sandhu, andSushil Sharma

The Mysterious Workings of the Adolescent Brain by Sarah Jayne Blakemore

Wise Girl Workshops Joins With Girl Scout Troop

This November, 24 girls in 6th-8th grades embarked on a 2 day Journey and Wise Girl Workshops headed to Windsor, CA to be a part of it!  An amazing group of Girl Scout Cadettes worked diligently to earn their Journey Badge.  What an honor it was to help them think more about friendships, bullying, and how to handle conflict. I was struck by how engaged each girl was and how they gave great thought to each of the questions they worked on in their small groups.

From this event, I got to thinking how busy young girls are in their own lives and the drive to produce and get better is all around them, even for girls in 6th-8th grade.  These kids are already thinking so hardcore about their future.

There is a pressing anxiety in the world.  Who has time to think about friendship, bullying, and how to handle conflict?  The message kids get when their isn’t time to talk about these important areas of their life?  Just shove your feelings inside and move on.  It’s not important. Just keep moving forward.

This workshop allowed girls to slow down and think about some of the most pressing issues of their developmental time.  Friendship is an essential part of growing up and helps set the stage for how we function in life with others.

Upon ending the workshop the girls shared a few words on how the time we spent together made them feel.  Girls said things like they felt informed and educated.  Girls said they were relieved to talk and hear from one another.  Some of my favorite feedback of the day?  “Better.”  So many girls felt “better” after talking together.   I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Wise Girl Workshops mission to to change the world one girl at a time.  Thanks Windsor, CA Girl Scout Troop #11302 for valuing girls and giving them the time they need to think and do what is truly important.

 

Wise Girl Workshops At It Again!

Announcing a great opportunity for both 5th-6th and 7th-8th grade girls!  Wise Girl Workshops’ NEW School Year Toolkit is here.  12 awesome weeks to learn, grow, and share together.  Help your girl get all the tools to support her emotional and physical health this school year! <img src="flier.jpg" alt="wise girl workshop flier fall 2018">

The #1 Don’t of Handling Back to School Anxiety

The end of summer comes with a mixed bag of emotions.  Happy to see our kids head back to school to get some structure and rhythm to their days.  Ecstatic siblings get a break from one another and the bickering has a natural hiatus.  Sad the fun is over.  Dreading no more sleeping in.  Reluctance to go back to the rigid schedule.  Hopeful this year will be good for them as they learn, grow, and connect with others.  For some families, anxiety is also an emotion in the bag.  For some families, anxiety takes up the whole bag!

Some children have gotten a healthy dose of anxiety mixed into their DNA so they tend to lean that way.  Other children have had experiences causing anxiety.  Some children have a bit of both.

No matter how anxiety developed, there is one major Don’t when it comes to handling back to school anxiety:

#1  DO NOT LET YOUR CHILD STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL!  I know, I know.  You think I am yelling at you with all those capital letters in your face.  If you can imagine we are talking in person, I am looking at you directly in the eyes, with a slightly serious head tilt, and assertively telling you to not let you child stay home from school.  Then I am going to gently, kindly, and directly discuss with you why this statement is my #1 Don’t.

Parents often let their kids stay home with the best of intentions.  Promises get made about how they will go the next day.  I am telling you now, letting your child avoid what they are fearing is only feeding the anxiety monster more.  It creates anxiety by giving it more time to develop and get bigger and bigger.  It may appear the anxiety quiets down when you give your child the thumbs up to stay home, but this ease is temporary.  If you are planning on them going to school tomorrow, the one day buffer put a bandaid on a broken leg.  As we all know, bandaids don’t fix broken legs.

Anxiety has a way of making people believe something really bad is going to happen.  It tricks our brains into creating fantastic stories.  Like last night when I feared for my life because I was home alone for the night….Here I am this morning, alive and well creating this post.

Yes bad things do happen at school.  Kids can be cruel, teachers move too fast on a lesson, there is no room at the lunch table, being the last one picked, getting blamed for something you didn’t do.  Those things, among others, can make school feel terrible.  

Let’s talk about a few ways to support an anxious child who doesn’t want to go to school.

  1. Assess what is really going on.  Are they really in danger?  Is there a peer who is hitting them with sticks when the yard duty isn’t looking?  Is there someone on social media who has threatened to beat them up after school when they walk home?  Is someone threatening to post inappropriate pictures and say it was them

If we are going to help our child, we need to know what is really happening.  Sometimes anxiety is warranted.  Like if someone via social media this summer told a girl she better watch it or she is going to smash her face in if she sees her at school.  Or if last year a child was a target of someone’s constant teasing, then we can see how anxiety is present.

Your job is to learn the most you can about what actually has happened.  See if your child will show you the messages sent to her.  Find out how many times this has happened, who was involved, and all the details you can so you can move onto how to help them navigate the situation.

2. If the anxiety is due to something truly threatening their safety, reach out for help.  Talk to the teacher, school counselor, and/or administrators to help get the problem solved at school early before it has time to grow this year.  Giving your child a person to connect with over this situation can help them feel supported at school.

A second option would be to talk with the other parent of the child involved.  Whatever you do, make sure to come across in a respectful way.  These calls can go well or terrible.  Sometimes parents can become quite defensive.  If you get a call like this, do your best to hear all the information being presented and communicate back in a respectful way.

A third option is to develop a plan with your child on how to handle the situation, but if the situation truly involves their safety, we don’t want to put off keeping them safe in the spirit of keeping their cool.  If it feels like a situation you/your child want to try and manage on your own for a bit, role play what to say and do given the situation.  Discuss safe places to be and safe people to be with.  Continue to assess how the days go and if things are escalating, it may be time to go with the first two options above.

A fourth option: If none of this works, it may be worthwhile to look at whether this school is a good fit for your child.  I would encourage you to talk to the school first.  Find out if the school is willing to work with you.

I believe every child has a right to feel safe at school.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t always come easy for every child.  We need to help our children have access to this inherent right.  Going it alone or asking for help, it is important we work to address these issues with and for our children.

  1. In true anxiety fashion, if the worry is about something that hasn’t ever happened, it is time to help your child move into the present moment.  So often anxiety helps us write a horrible story in our head that probably isn’t going to take place.  We can bring our child into the present moment by looking around to what is happening right now versus what we imagine is going to happen into the future.  Be there with them in the here and now by coaching them on taking some deep breaths.  Have them tune into your voice and just breathe.  There are also some pretty amazing apps and kids/teen meditations out there if you need some help.  You tube is filled with them.  

A second tool is to help your child write a story of infinite possibilities using the facts.  Example: The fact is I can go into the office and eat lunch if I don’t find someone to sit with.  The fact is I can ask Kelly to eat lunch with me; she is nice to everyone.  The fact is I can bring my book out to lunch and read today.  The fact is I don’t know what today will look like but I am open to having a good day and I am not going to let lunch time bring me down.

I have a ton of other tools in my bag to support kids with anxiety, too much for a blog.  Please feel free to reach out to me to talk more.  Other great resources include the websites Anxiety BC and Worry Wise Kids.

Wishing each family and child a great start to the school year!

2 Things to Definitely Do This Summer FOR Your Kids and Teens

While watering our garden the other night, my nearly 7 year old said to me, “Mom, will you be home with us this summer all the time?”

Totally wishing I could pull from the money tree blossoming in our backyard and say yes, I said, “No little one, I have to work.  But I will be around more, and we can go to the pool and do fun things together.”

Point blank she said, “Well if you can’t be around all the time, can you please be off your phone when you’re with me?”  

Really tuning in I said, “I will do my best.  I have to do some things for work on my phone sometimes, but I will really try.  I hear you and thank you for telling me what you want.”

Then squeezy hug.  I love this kid.

I bet you can guess 1 of the 2 things to do this summer FOR your kids and teens.

#1 Get off your phone mom and dad.

Now that I have really got your attention (unless you just got a text on your phone you are now looking at…remember #1 people), let’s move onto #2.

Keeping up with other families and relatives is not always in your children’s best interest.  Some families are constantly on the move and some barely leave the house.  Neither of these ways of being are right or wrong.  They’re just different.

What is important though is while you are doing nothing or doing something, pay attention to if it is working for your family.  Doing back to back to back outings might be too much for your kids.  They may need some R&R.  Or maybe they are so bored and fighting all the time because they haven’t been stimulated enough.

Many parents can get swooped up in the FOMO (fear of missing out) and push their kids to the brink.  So when little Johnny is having a meltdown because he is super fatigued from sun and fun, you may want to rethink what Johnny really needs.  

Sometimes our children’s needs might not coincide with what we want.  That fact can be a bummer to miss out hanging with another family you really enjoy or not getting to stay home all day when that is what you had in mind.  This life is full of compromise.

Please remember this:

#2 Tune into your kid and do what they are needing more of and less of this summer.

Wishing you all a wonderful summer!

I Wish I Had Known

Auditorium of empty seatsDo you remember your 5th-8th grade self?  If you are like me, you may remember a variety of selves that showed up.  Transitioning from a kid to a teen in the matter of 4 short years.  From changing bodies to older topics of conversations to getting in and out of braces.  Then there is the labeling yourself, judging others, trying to find your place, changing relationships with your family members and friends, and seeing yourself in a whole new way.  And then there is the more modern day changes from no phone to phone and from texting to use of social media platforms.

I believe these years are extremely critical to our development and are a window of opportunity.  Kids and teens can still hear us. I see it all the time in my work; kids who are spouting out their family values, words, and beliefs.  Towards the junior high time though, many parents feel like their kids stop listening to them.  This time is when it can be helpful to have your child hear positive messages from other people.

Deep down inside of me is a teacher with wisdom to share with younger people.  While I don’t have all the answers, I believe I do have a knowing based on my own experiences, the experiences of others, and my training to help guide, share, and inspire.

There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve known and why I feel so compelled to run Wise Girl Workshops.  Here are a few:

    1. That feeling you get when you start eating a lot of food when you aren’t even hungry or you find yourself drinking faster, that’s anxiety.  There are healthy things you can do when you recognize that feeling to take care of yourself and watch it pass.
    1. You can be the person you want to be and you will also have challenges within yourself.  That’s ok.  You don’t have to be perfect.
    1. You are enough and can love yourself as is AND you can also work to better yourself all at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
    1. You can make good decisions for yourself and seek guidance from the loving adults around you.  It is ok, and people approve of you asking for help.
    1. We all want attention.  You don’t have to seek it out in unhealthy ways and succumb to pressure from others in order to be seen.
    1. We are all just trying to find our place. It’s ok to feel sad, worried, scared, and lonely.  It’s ok to talk to someone who cares about you when you feel this way.  You aren’t weak.  You are human.  And you don’t have to happy all the time.
    1. You can dream big and make things happen.
    1. You don’t have to sit quietly when comments, gestures, or requests are made that make you uncomfortable.  Stand up for yourself.  Set limits with others.
    1. Allow yourself and others to try on different ways of being without judgement.  We are all going through it.  No one way is right.
    1. Give yourself permission to embrace your strengths.  From academic success to athleticism, to being funny and caring.  It all counts!
  1. No one ever starts out using substances and intends to be addicted.  It can happen to anyone.

What do you wish you would’ve known?

Don’t Let Anxiety Boss You Around

If you or your family member suffers from anxiety, chances are you are being bossed around by it. Anxiety might say things like:

“Don’t do that!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Don’t go!”
“Call me when you leave!”
“Text me when you get there!”
“Don’t leave before I tell you to!”
“This is going to be bad!”

Now notice there is an exclamation point after each of these statements. This is because if it were said in a calm, cool manner, it wouldn’t be anxiety. Anxiety has an urgent fretful tone to it, warranting the exclamation. If you hear this more urgent tone coming from yourself or your loved one, odds are good, it is anxiety trying to push you around.   Even if you aren’t the one suffering directly, anxiety has been known to be contagious and make others around them feel it too.  ​The whole system gets impacted.

Who likes to be bossed around? (The crowd goes silent.)

So what does one do when anxiety is bossing them around?

1. Once you recognize anxiety is there and possibly bossing you, take a deep breath, maybe even a few to make room in your brain to think rationally about what is happening and what you will do next.

2. Decide if the anxiety is warranted. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I really in danger?” “What will actually happen if I don’t text my kid every 5 minutes from the grocery store as he demanded?”

3. If you are in danger, worry away and get yourself to a safe spot.

4. If are not in any real danger, which most likely is the case, begin to use your logic to talk yourself off the ledge. “Who is talking here? Me or anxiety?” “What is actually going to happen if….?”

5. Soothe yourself by talking calmly to yourself. “I am going to be ok.” “She’ll be back in 30 minutes.”

6. Do something to give your mind a break from the anxiety after you have gone through these steps. We don’t want to avoid our feelings but we do want to give ourselves a bit of space if we are feeling flooded by them, and we do want to move on after we have gone through the steps. No need to stay stuck.

7. Have a party! Recognizing when anxiety is bossing you around and choosing to do something different other than let it take control of you is definitely worth celebrating!

AFFIRMATION

I handle anxiety with ease.

The Private Practice Fundamentals Group Starting This March!

A Group by sierra dator

Motivating Kids- Public Speaking Event

Tomorrow I have the great privilege of motivating kids at one of our local junior high schools through imagery, activity, and or course, eating candy.  I am thrilled to have the opportunity to teach kids about empathy, compassion, judgement, and assumptions.  I am going to end with this amazing find: